Four weeks ago today I had surgery to remove a degenerated disk and have an artificial one put in.

This momentous event in my life raised my consciousness to a level where I was aware of the possibility of my own death. It made me take responsibility for my presence in the world.

I left four post-its for my husband and children, telling them my parting wish for each of them and hid them in my desk. That was all that I felt was outstanding, which surprised me.

As I was being prepared for surgery I experienced the presence of a crossroads in my life: before surgery/after surgery. I felt the point of no return coming closer and closer and the moment I knew I had passed the crossroads, when the anaesthetic was injected into my arm, I surrendered and a prayer arose in me invoking Mr. Gurdjieff.

The surgery was a success and I wonder whether this wish contributed to the surgeons’ work. Whether Mr. Gurdjieff was present in his capacity as a doctor, or my own subconscious mind helped my body respond as favourably as possible, or it was only in my imagination doesn’t really matter. The outcome was beneficial.

When I awoke, I sensed the good wishes of many people around the world so clearly. These individual wishes sustained me, fed me, filled me with bliss for the first 24 hours. I was surprised at how strongly I experienced this.

The shock of the surgery to my body triggered a period, and I felt compassion and wonder towards my instinctive part, which somehow used the shock of a foreign object embedded in the spine >to make a decision< to expel the lining of my womb.

I would describe the experience, the trauma to the body, of surgery, as a peak experience, because it awakened my senses, awakened the connections with my instinctive functioning, awakened my emotional part and focused the rational mind, the policeman, in directing my emotional and instinctive reactions.

All I could do for the first day was lie in my hospital bed, so completed the circle of sensation. There was such delight that I could sense all my limbs, and I felt the presence of others, helping me, supporting me, as a result of their work. I was grateful for my ability to receive what was being offered.

Six years ago I lifted a heavy load and something went in my back. I have been in pain since then.

For the first three years everything in me screamed and kicked against this injustice. I became depressed and didn’t think my life was worth living. I wanted my old life back.

I read in Jacob Needleman’s 'A Sense of the Cosmos' about his experience with enduring pain and how he realised that what he wanted back was his habits. This made me see my experience in a new light. I am identified with my habits and carry the assumption that they are the status quo.

When I am forced out of my range of habits I may resist it, but it is also possible to for me to be brought out of my habits intentionally, as a result of work. If I am given an exercise, a practice, it is sometimes possible to experience my life in an entirely new way.

I have re-built my life around the axis of pain and have come to terms with it. I am happy and I have pain. It is almost like a friend.

Soon I am going in for surgery on my back. What then lies ahead?

Everything that is given to me is material for transformation, the question is, am I present to it?

When preparing for running this website the issue of putting our names on the site has come up again and again.

As usual I’m convinced that I’m right and the others are not seeing the full picture. Where do I go from here?

I’m willing to mess up, to make a fool of myself, to be seen to ‘get it wrong’. I want to stand up and be counted.

There is something in the process of being in the work, something strong that makes us want to put others right about the work. I can easily see this in others. How can I see more of it in myself?

Comments I have heard about being seen in public include not wanting to draw attention to oneself, not wanting to look as if one knows something, not wanting to jeopardise ones chances of joining groups in the future.

I do know something. Is it much, is it little? Does it matter? This is where I am, this is what I am, and I wish to direct effort, attention, time, towards work.

I hope to work on my self, inwardly, and for the sake of the teaching (so that it may reach those who are seeking it), outwardly. To do this I have to work with others.

I recognise that there are many who have greater being than me, that I need to learn from. I know, and feel, that I am vain, a know-all, that I say that I will do things and then don’t do them. I am not awake. I work as it is possible for me, at this time, in these conditions. So may it be for those who work alongside me.

My cat recently had kittens. When she was giving birth I saw and felt that her experience was the same as mine when giving birth to my children.

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What is interference with natural birth? Is emotional, psychological and physical support interference? Is medical intervention in an emergency interference? How do I define interference and what are the implications, for me?

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